xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017)

Movie

xxx-return-of-xander-cageAt no point before, during nor after, did I think anything about the xXx: Return of Xander Cage was a good idea. Me going to see it was simply an act of spontaneous Monday evening plans and nothing else being on screen that I hadn’t seen (or my flatmate hadn’t seen). It was a fluke and every fibre of my being regrets everything about that day and this stupid ass movie.

So I think I should mention the good stuff before I get to the hate review because yes, there were some things I thought were great about xXx: Return of Xander Cage – those five things were Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Ruby Rose, Tony Jaa and Kris Wu. In other words, I loved the fact that the majority of the cast was so diverse! It was exactly the kind of mix of people you would want in a movie, all badass, all very skilled and all very different. Granted, lead by a white guy hired by a white woman, but I mean, at least they tried! Yet, all that effort was very wasted on what was actually happening and I sat there in the theater wondering if I made the mistake of giving up alcohol. Because drinking myself under the table with tequila shots is ten times better than watching Xander Cage and his team triple x themselves after Toni Collette in heels.

The biggest misstep for the movie, like every other reboot or remake seems to take, was rushing into it with no clear aim nor script. It’s almost like the whole movie was made based on a Power Point presentation. First, you introduce the characters, then you have your first mission, then a twist, then a second mission and then you have that accidental slide that doesn’t really go with the other slides, but you’re like too late now so I’ll go with it. xXx: Return of Xander Cage was that incoherent, jumpy and unclear from the beginning to the end. Plus, it felt like the strength of the casting was lost inside that jumble which is a shame, because Donnie Yen deserves so much better! And even though his character at least had some character development, it was messy and not utilised to the fullest.

For comic relief we had Nina Dobrev as Becky and honestly, I actually liked her character. Thinking back, I think it was the fact that she was so over the top and so out there with her jokes, that she at least was memorable. And whether I remember her fondly or I remember her doesn’t really matter when it comes down to the fact that the movie itself was horrible. Simply put, I have a lot of respect for Dobrev as an actress, and she clearly loves what she does, so I hope she manages to steer away from xXx: Return of Xander Cage and go back to those Perks of Being a Wallflower type of roles. But I have a feeling if they keep making these xXx movies she’ll revisit Becky and that would be quite sad really.

Finally, I will leave with this final thought, reboots have a bad rep because of movies like Return of Xander Cage. Granted, some turn out well, Mission Impossible is actually getting better, Mad Max: Fury Road is probably the best action movie of the century, but mostly, nobody likes reboots or remakes. The main reason.. they feel rushed and stupid because they are only after money and not the sophistication which should be present in any movie, no matter the genre. Action movies should be sophisticated, even with the ridiculous scene of skiing on dry land, there should be wits and brains behind every decision. And there were none of them when Xander Cage returned.

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  • Reply
    Courtney Young
    February 22, 2017 at 9:54 PM

    Definitely agree with you on this one regarding reboots…so far and few actually turn out well. Sadly, they’re mostly made for the $$$ and totally lack artistic value :

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 23, 2017 at 11:48 AM

      I know right? But at least then those action movies that do give attention to detail and take the time to create something worth our time, stand out from the masses ! Thank you for the comment!

  • Reply
    Often Off Topic
    February 23, 2017 at 6:10 PM

    Aw boy, thanks for taking one for the team here! I gotta say, part of me wants to watch this for the fun of it, but I’d need a bottle of wine first 😀

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 24, 2017 at 1:39 PM

      It was not worth it… and it was not fun, I don’t think wine will make it any better. 😀

  • Reply
    M. Brown
    February 26, 2017 at 8:22 PM

    Hahahaa…you were waaaay nicer than I thought you’d be with this one. It was definitely stupid, but I ended up enjoying it…as much as possible. Nina Dobrev was fantastic! (And uh, hot)

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 26, 2017 at 8:46 PM

      I’d go gay for Nina, there, I said it.. my highest of compliments.

      But I think I was nicer because I didn’t write this right after I saw it but took some time to calm down, that always makes me sound nicer.

  • Reply
    Michael
    March 10, 2017 at 6:24 PM

    Love it for it’s audacious lines, actions scenes and soundtrack. Not usually a fan of the action genre but Triple X is an exception.

    • Reply
      mettelray
      March 14, 2017 at 11:37 PM

      If I’d had to pick a favourite action series… Mission Impossible wins for actually improving and managing to revive it after its first trilogy.

  • Reply
    75 Movies I Watched In 2017 – METTEL RAY
    December 29, 2017 at 8:38 PM

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