Snatched (2017)

No, it’s not a mistake, what you’re seeing is the first review on Mettel Ray that is given, or better yet, not given a rating. That’s right, there isn’t a coffee cup under the image above, because this movie gets no coffee cups from me! None! It doesn’t even deserve a half a cup of coffee that I gave it on Letterboxd because I was feeling generous. Meaning, I hate Snatched more than I hate Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker combined because at least the latter made me laugh!

Snatched, apparently a comedy, is an awful movie not just because it’s bad, but because it’s an example how even talented people have to dump out shit. And no, I’m not talking about Amy Schhumer when discussing talent, I will focus on the on-screen “talent” later on, but I’m talking about the script and the direction. Katie Dippold, the woman who wrote this awfulness, has written for Parks and Recreation, and penned a decent comedy The Heat just a few years ago. So I know she’s talented, and knows how to write jokes, yet, during this 90 minute blunder, I only laughed twice. Once when there was a joke about Amy Schumer’s tit being out (which was humiliating but also a well delivered line) and the second time when Ike Barinholtz kept yelling “mama” – a nickname that was apparently improvised by Ike himself. So technically, Dippold wrote a single joke for the movie that was funny to me, which, even though I have disliked comedies for a long time, is a record for me.

Second disappointment behind the screen was the director – Jonathan Levine – man behind 50/50! Now, don’t get me wrong, Levine has disappointed me before, but considering 50/50 is among is filmography, I’m really hoping he will manage to stop making stupid comedies and stick to smart, witty and sophisticated humour instead. But that being said, it’s not that the direction is bad, it’s just, he didn’t really have anything good to direct. One of the funniest actresses, Joan Cusack literally had no lines! Who does that? Who casts a funny woman, a great actress, for a role that requires no lines and gives her little to none to do in the first place? I have no words. Pun intended.

That being said, I want to admit that part of me wants to blame it all on Dippold and Levine, so I know that it wouldn’t be my dislike towards Schumer that sparked this hate towards Snacted, but I know it’s a combination of all three that did the trick. Because Schumer is bad and Snatched sucks. Which is something I subconsciously knew when walking into the movie theater that day, (I jokingly said to my flatmate that “I want to leave” before the movie had past its 5 minute mark) but I didn’t expect it to spark a hate so vast that I didn’t want to give it a single coffee cup!

Where to begin. First of all, Schumer’s character was offensive and repulsive. She was so unlikable that I rooted for the kidnappers, not her, because I didn’t care for her at all. Why would I want to root for someone who is clearly selfish, annoying and unreliable? She literally has no friends, no boyfriend, and it seems the only person in her life who cares for her is her mother. And no, she’s not shy, which would have been a better angle for this movie, no, she’s just a shit person. She doesn’t even seem to have a healthy relationship with her brother, so why should I like this woman? Why should I root for her? Why do these women keep writing shitty women as the heroin? Why!? Oh, she’s not skinny, has some meat on her bones, so she’ll be appealing as a person to everyday women because they can relate to her? No. I can’t relate to her at all! It just fuels my hate for these stereotypes which make fat girls into obnoxious and annoying women – and I can name so many movies that use that same stereotype. Bad movies but also successful movies. And. I. Hate. It.

The representation of curvy women in movies has nothing to do with being attractive or comfortable in your own body while oozing sex appeal. Curvy women are made to look either incompetent, annoying, repulsive, stupid, offensive, insulting, too out there, too loud, lazy, unstable and I can continue on. Bridesmaids did it. Pitch Perfect did it. Girls did it. Most of Melissa McCarthy movies have done it. The upcoming Scarlett Johansson movie will do it. And Snatched did it. The only example of a positive  and successful representation of a curvy woman that comes to mind from decent years is Spy. The main character is kick-ass, and the movie doesn’t comment on her weight nor use it for laughs, and that’s how it should be! But movies tend to stick with the stereotypes, and even though Schumer and Dunham think they are representing everyday women by showing off their bodies in a manner of confidence, they are literally making me cringe. I don’t know why I should praise women with normal bodies showing off their “not so perfect bodies” through characters that may showcase a beautiful idea of a normal body but have an ugly personality within. It’s just, the worst thing you can do as a female actress.. to think that since you don’t have skinny legs or flawless stomach, that you have to pull out your tits for laughs.

Sometimes I have this moment during a movie I hate which just flips my switch from dislike to pure hate. Snatched had various moments where I went from one negative emotion to another. The bathroom vagina cleaning scene – ugh. The unnecessary need to kill two people – why!? The representation of people who have terminal cancer – disrespectful and distasteful. The tapeworm – oh the tapeworm took it all beyond acceptable. And all of this crap was happening while Goldie Hawn was running around in the jungle making me feel sorry for her. Hawn is a lovely woman, and I wish her all the best, but man, did she make a mistake signing up for this movie. Not just because her association with Schumer but because I thought her character, a mother of two, was not so well written. Sure, she was supportive, generous and a little scared of all things adventure, which is normal, but considering she raised two children, both being irresponsible adults, I’m not so happy about her either.

Oh but then the movie tried to make Schumer’s character look like she was a good person by pouring water into a well. That’s right, she become the last link in a chain of women who carried water to the well by pouring water… such a good Samaritan. The best. Right? Wrong! That felt especially idiotic considering the context and it felt like the writer suddenly realised she’d written an unlikable character and was trying to salvage the situation. Well, it didn’t work, and Snatched still sucked.

And with that final thought I want to wrap this up because I’ve now spent too much time on discussing this movie. I never want to think about this movie again. And if you haven’t seen it, don’t waste your money nor time on this one, it’s not worth it.

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