Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Movie

Fifty Shades of Grey

You can’t spoil this beyond itself with spoilers.

The most ironic thing about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is that while it tries to portray a domination / submissive relationship like it has never been shown before, it will most likely have a far more better porn parody available soon on a computer near you.

The general word for describing Fifty Shades of Grey seems to be awful and yet, I’m going to destroy my credibility as a self-started movie blogger by saying, it was still better than the source material. Was it still cheesy? Incredibly! Was it badly written? Hell yes! Was there a lack of chemistry? Between every person on screen! Did Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) look like a chinless boy trying to act manly? As much as it pains me to say, yes! Were there too many lady parts and too little male parts showing on screen? Absolutely yes! Was it as bad as the book? Not so much.

As a person who actually suffered through half of the source material (the first book that is), I’m taking a stance that the movie vaguely managed to improve some things. For instance, while reading the book, I hated Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) with every fiber in my body. On screen, she actually managed to pull off some laughs and charisma. So considering the fact that the original Fifty Shades of Grey was with a narration by the naivest girl on the planet able to orgasm at the moments notice, the movie’s main character was, in that aspect, tolerable. Also, the sex scenes, instead of Anastasia’s stupid inner thoughts, had some great soundtrack moments which obviously were mostly thanks to queen Beyonce.

fifty shades of grey jamie dornan

Generally speaking though, Fifty Shades of Grey is going to be the movie everybody will love to hate. It’s not erotica, it’s definitely not porn, so instead it vaguely lingers in some sort of foreplay section for teenagers who will watch it just because boobies. My personal stand towards the sexual relationship portrayed in this widely hated movie is that it didn’t really categorize itself as normal nor BDSM. I’m not an expert but as far as I know, BDSM is not about a scarred person doing painful things to women or vice versa, it’s about sexual release and it just happens to come through domination or submission. Fifty Shades of Grey, in that aspect, fails completely by putting BDSM on a pedestal and then, through 6 belt slashes, makes a statement that IT IS WRONG! No, it’s not wrong, it’s a preference but the franchise doesn’t want to really understand it, much less portray it truthfully.

Anastasia, who finds herself in the submissive role is the biggest idiot in the room in that sense. She likes the man, she is even willing to try new things for him – which is everything because the girl is a virgin! She comes and comes, seemingly enjoying things because what’s not to enjoy about an orgasm? Then when things progress, she accuses the man she loves of being a monster because of his preferences. I find that kind of attitude towards BDSM extremely hypocrite, considering the fact that Anastasia liked everything else leading up to that moment just fine. She knew what she was getting herself into, she read the damn contract for weeks, and yet Fifty Shades of Grey is keen on making us to hate a man who simply likes it rough.

Anyway, this whole hate towards Fifty Shades of Grey comes down to the book itself, the book that started it all and made me shake my head in disbelief – this crap sold millions of copies worldwide and it sounds like an unorganized diary of a teenager! I want a strong, dominant man in my life, but oh no, he can’t be too dominant! I want him, I don’t want him! He took his belt and hit me, I hate him but I love him! Oh, Christian! NO! And don’t even get me started on the fact that book-Anastasia talks a lot about her inner goddess and refers to her vagina as down there.

So yes, the movie did improve things by making it less horrible but to be honest, you can’t make bread from shit. Though apparently you can make shitloads of money which, in the words of Christian Grey himself, is fifty shades of fucked up!

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30 Comments

  • Reply
    cucara
    February 18, 2015 at 10:20 PM

    :’D pole ei raamatuid lugenud ega filmi vaadanud, juba selle fakti pärast, et kõik seda filmi nii väga näha tahtsid. väga harva on nii, et film, mida väga väga oodatakse väga suure massi poolt on ka hea. nii et ma juba eos teadsin, et sellest tuleb katastroof 😀 ja Sa juba tõestasid ka seda oma review’ga. lugesin ükspäev sellist review’d esimesest raamatust – https://toidutegu.wordpress.com/2013/10/08/kirjandusminutid-koige-halvem-raamat-mida-ma-kunagi-lugenud-olen/ ooi jumal, kus ma irnusin. imdb hinne on ka filmil 4,1 nii et hästi :’D vb kunagi vaatan huvi pärast ära, kui tõmmata saab 😀

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 19, 2015 at 12:03 AM

      Ma lugesin selle inglise keelset versiooni ja see oli põhimõttelliselt sama jube aga tõlge sellest eesti keelde tundub veel 100 korda hullem! 😀

      Tead, ma soovitan vaadata puht sellepärast, et see on tegelikult üks kuradi hea kogemata komöödia. Kui veidi veini kõrvale võtta, sõbrannadega koos teleka ette istuda ja sisi igat asja kommenteerides naerda, siis on elamus iseenesest meeldiv. Kahju, et film just vastupidine on. 😀

  • Reply
    Katy
    February 19, 2015 at 12:48 AM

    Great review! I’m amazed that people would think this would be a phenomenal movie considering the source material. This is a movie that was definitely made for hardcore fans (who seemed to have enjoyed it the most). The studios wanted nothing but to bank on the “phenomenon” but I feel that at least the cast/director were invested in doing the best job they could giving the circumstances. Can’t wait to see it this weekend (unfortunately)!

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 19, 2015 at 1:11 AM

      I don’t think the cast was content with it though.. I feel like they got frustrated at some point because there was no drive what so ever in the characters. But then again, the book was so so bad at creating characters that it’s a miracle women even like it!? I just.. who are these millions of women who think that THAT is hot and steamy!? I can’t understand that..ever.

      Enjoy! Have a glass of wine beforehand and then you might feel less embarrassed to laugh through it all. 😀

      • Reply
        Katy
        February 20, 2015 at 10:40 PM

        Funny enough, I am getting a 50 Shades inspired alcoholic drink at the movie theatre before it starts. haha I’m gonna need it!

        • Reply
          mettelray
          February 21, 2015 at 11:15 PM

          50 types of alcoholic drinks in one glass.. that would save you ! 😀

  • Reply
    TheMovieReviewDude
    February 19, 2015 at 2:05 AM

    The inevitable porn parody will have better dialogue.

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 19, 2015 at 10:15 AM

      I’m sure of it. 😀

  • Reply
    Abbi
    February 19, 2015 at 12:28 PM

    I definitely agree that it was better than the book. Mostly because Anastasia’s inner goddess was finally silenced. Seriously, WTF was that??? But like you said, you can’t make bread from shit (or as we say here, you can’t polish a turd) and it was never going to be good based on the source material.

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 20, 2015 at 3:27 PM

      I know right.. it makes me so mad that this woman calls herself a writer now and has loads of money, it’s annoyingly bad in all the fronts. My inner goddess is pissed off.

      • Reply
        Abbi
        February 20, 2015 at 3:45 PM

        My inner goddess is doing a shit on her front lawn.

  • Reply
    Dan O.
    February 19, 2015 at 6:39 PM

    Seemed like it was going to have something interesting to say, but in the end, didn’t. It just featured a lot of sex. Good review Ray.

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 20, 2015 at 3:28 PM

      It won’t say anything at all by the time the trilogy is over… aimless light erotica with bad writing with nothing to say.

  • Reply
    Sofia da Costa
    February 19, 2015 at 8:06 PM

    Yeah the whole “Christian likes to hit girls who look like his crack whore mother” is so wrong. It puts such a negative connotation on BDSM, like only someone with a trauma would do something like that. And those six whips were ridiculous, like wtf what she thinking “give me the worst” and then calling him a monster. The whole thing is so twisted really, Anna is the most inconsistent character of all time – which only makes it worse because by the end you’re left with blurred lines and a sense of abuse.

    The sex was terrible. All stiff and fake… though I liked the first time they had sex, up until she started moaning like a porn star. And when he used the whip for the first time, that was kinda hot. But everything else no, just… no.

    But I agree that the movie was better then the book, mainly because at least it was funny. And yes thank god they didn’t keep the whole goddess thing. And the “down there!”, jesus, she sounded like 12 year old.

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 20, 2015 at 3:31 PM

      It is horrible how this”writer” tackles the topic, she knows nothing which makes her disrespectful.
      I did enjoy one sex scene but not the same one as you did, but truthfully, it made me laugh because it was horrible on so many levels.

      • Reply
        Sofia da Costa
        February 20, 2015 at 6:13 PM

        and to think they had a BDSM expert on set!

        • Reply
          mettelray
          February 20, 2015 at 6:20 PM

          For the love of god…. but then again, E.L. James probably didn’t let them stir away from her precious source material.. she was apparently a pain in the ass.

  • Reply
    sati
    February 19, 2015 at 9:56 PM

    Great review! I’m sure the porn parody will have a more charismatic lead actor 😛

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 19, 2015 at 10:52 PM

      Ha, maybe. I still like Dornan though so I’ll forgive him this horrid performance which I blame on the material. I think he was never really interested in this story so he just gave up right from the start. 😀

  • Reply
    vinnieh
    February 20, 2015 at 6:50 PM

    Great review, I don’t really have much interested in seeing this to be honest but might just so I can give my opinion of it.

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 20, 2015 at 7:07 PM

      I went to see it just so I could hate it for a reason.. now I do, it feels great in a weird way. 😀

      • Reply
        vinnieh
        February 20, 2015 at 7:12 PM

        I understand what you mean. Sorry I haven’t been on your blog as of late. As I follow so many blogs, I sometimes lose track of it. Will definitely be visiting more often though.

        • Reply
          mettelray
          February 21, 2015 at 11:17 PM

          No worries. I understand following too many.. it’s difficult to keep up with everyone, and even harder when you try to avoid reviews of movies you haven’t seen yet but want to. It limits me a lot these days.

  • Reply
    Jess
    February 20, 2015 at 10:04 PM

    Haha, I really like your review although I enjoyed the movie more than you. I was expecting something pretty bad, and hopefully some trashy fun and what I got was pretty okay and fairly trashy fun (mostly because of Dakota). Maybe my standards were too low here because I feel like I liked it more than most people…

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 21, 2015 at 11:18 PM

      I set my standards low and enjoyed it in a way that I was happy to write this review, a negative review that is. I love writing those sometimes but I’m too hesitant to see bad movies.. Fifty was an exception.

  • Reply
    Tom
    February 24, 2015 at 10:55 PM

    Hilarious last line that neatly sums up what I have presumed to be an awful experience. Great work.

    • Reply
      mettelray
      February 24, 2015 at 11:07 PM

      Thanks.. I put a lot of effort into that last line. 😀

  • Reply
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