“Watch the sequel, you know you want to!!

“I don’t think we should continue with this relationship, honestly, I almost didn’t make it out alive the last time!”

“No, it will be different this time.”

“But last time, I really hated you, like, you made me feel very bad about myself and you were getting off on making me cringe in pain and all that awfulness on screen. We won’t work!”

“But I need you to watch me! I have beards now! I have two stalkers! I’ll show some man-ass, you’ll love it! I swear, watch me!!”

“Alright… but no funny business this time! You will be better, and more mature and you won’t make me cry in pain because seriously, Fifty Shades, last time, I was crying because you were spanking me in all the wrong ways…”

“I promise, I’ll change, I’ll be better.. I promise!”

…5 minutes into the movie…

“OH CAMON!!!!”

There have been countless of reviews that seem to state the following, Fifty Shades Darker is a little better than the first movie.  Apparently it also has a lot more sex in it and because it manages to distract us with tits and those tiny moments of man-ass, one would think Fifty Shades Darker is better.. But it’s not, it’s even worse than the first one because it actually thinks that sex, stalkers, boats and plane crashes will divert our attention from the fact that Anastasia Steele is the worst female protagonist in the history of film!

As a woman, sitting in a theather filled with women (and one cool couple who was not afraid to laugh with me), enjoying Fifty Shades Darker, I was horrified because I was pretty much the only one laughing. At one point, I was afraid to laugh because I thought I would get punched or something, since the lady next to me was giving me the evil-eyes. She was enjoying it and I was ruining it for her, because I was sane enough to laugh!! Is sex really that scandalous that a movie showcasing it in such manner is viewed as a good movie even though it’s far from it? Are women really that desperate for some sort of twisted fairy tale romance, that they line up to see a naive woman jumping through hoops in order to please a self-centred millionaire? I mean, seriously, the only decision Anastasia was allowed to make was ordering that damn salad in the beginning of the movie and after that it was bend, spread and obey!

Honestly, I don’t even want to recall the movie in order to review it, because it will bring back horrible memories. So I will say this, at least I got some laughs out of it. I doubt all of them were intentional and I don’t think the movie was making fun of itself either because the majority of women in the theather were not laughing. So no, Fifty Shades Darker is not a comedy, but if it were, it would definitely get a higher rating from me because it’s so stupid it’s hilarious.

Another point I want to make is the lack of male nudity. Now, the whole Fifty Shades empire is aimed towards women. Why in the world would I want to watch a constant boob-show instead of some man-ass? We got almost no man-ass in the first movie, and we had glimpses of it in the second movie which is a waste of my money! I’m not saying it should be Nymphomania level visuals, but give us some Shame-worthy scenes and I’ll be happy to walk out of that theather knowing I got something out of it. Why would you hire an actor who is not willing to go an extra mile? Why would you rate it R and not allow us to enjoy the raunchiness?  Are there some rules for it? Michael Fassbender showed us way more and I still have flashbacks to him waking up in the morning and walking into the bathroom. No Fifty Shades sex scene has ever stuck with me long enough for me to think fondly of it but shouldn’t that be the point?

Jamie Dornan talked about “a move” in one of his talk show appearances and that “move” was him in his gym doing a move I bet has a name but I don’t know gymnastics so I’m at loss here. Anyway, he does this move, and I’m like, is this it? If you’re going to give us a half naked leading man in a gym don’t give us less than a minute worth of exercise to witness. Give us 3 minutes with a really hot song in the background, sweat, muscles, close ups, push ups, lunges, squats, everything you’ve got.. and then we would have a selection of “moves” to possibly dream about. I for one am greatly disappointed that I wasn’t treated properly to some man meat and it is an insult to me to be thought of as so easy when it comes to male nudity. More is always better, especially when the movie is about sex and considering the fact that Anastasia and Christian were getting it on like bunnies in this sequel, I’m even more disappointed than the first time around. And that disappointment stems from having no expectations what so ever, and THAT is something no movie has ever managed to do.

Lastly, since I’ve hardly talked about the plot, I should mention that there is no plot to mention. There’s nothing remotly important happening except Anastasia says that she doesn’t want to get spanked, and then 40 minutes later asks Christian to spank her – if you wanted to get spanked in the first place why the fuck did you run away from him after he gave you three strokes on your ass the last time? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, ANASTASIA! You either like it or you don’t, I’m sick of our stupid mind games, decide woman! But I bet she doesn’t make up her mind.. I bet the same stupid plot of “does she like it or does she hate it” will continue on with the third movie, which they undoubtedly make into two parts because there is too much happening like for instance Grey getting a mysterious illness that puts him in a coma but then he will suddenly disappear, only to turn up the very same day completely cured from his need to hurt women but not until Anastasia asks him to spank her because she has always loved it but she has been pretending all along but not too hard because she is expecting twins – a boy and a girl they will call Pain and Pleasure. There, you now know how it all ends, so you can skip the final movie(s) and actually do something meaningful with your life…

It has now been a month since I saw the movie, and a few weeks since I wrote this review.. I’m less angry now but I’m still greatly disappointed. I get the hype, I get the idea that since sex is still so taboo Fifty Shades feels intriguing, but I don’t get the satisfaction women seem to be getting from this movie. Honestly, I really can’t grasp the idea of liking a movie where a man asks a woman to sign a contract and bosses her around like she is his property. Because at the end of the day, Anastasia has no control over Christian. He does what he wants, and sometimes it seems to be the same thing she wants, but rarely does she get to decide for her own. If you leave the sex into the bedroom and accept the fact that Christian is simply dominant in bed, I would get that. But he doesn’t draw the line there, he uses his dominance outside his red room and that is not a healthy relationship by any means. Which is why I’m disappointed.. and sad, that such a franchise is earning millions of dollars and feeds us an idea that it’s okay for a man to make all the decisions for us.


  • Ugh. Idk if I can watch this. I don’t feel like cringing anytime soon.

    I can’t even believe that Fifty Shades is still “a thing”. I get the fascination with the first film, but once we realised it was as bad as expected… Why are people excited about the sequels??? How do they like this shit??!! Jesus, if it’s the sex just watch porn.

    God, this makes me furious. And sad, because like you said, they crave and cling to this nonsense because they don’t know any better. Everyone deserves good sexual/romantic content. Not this shit.

    I think I found my life’s purpose, ha!

    • I recommend not watching it sober. Since I don’t drink, I didn’t have that option, sadly.

      HA, exactly! Why can’t women just watch porn then, if it’s sex they look for in a movie!

      I look forward for your sophisticated, polished and refined content filled with sex, I already know it will be better than Fifty Shades. 😀

  • I haven’t seen both movies nor do I want to but your comments about this movie reminded me of my feelings towards Magic Mike XXL. Despite having no nudity (or lack of it or something?) the last 20 minutes were worth going to the movies for. Like ‘thank you for giving me my money’s worth’ kind of movie. I think it boils down to having charismatic actors that even when they’re not writhing naked onscreen can make a scene hot.

    • Well, I’ve seen Magic Mike XXL and it was far more sexual and worth my money than this movie. You’re lucky you haven’t watched any of them and I recommend you stay away forever.

  • lol great review. Unless this comes on HBO and I feel like getting drunk, I probably won’t see it. I love that you brought up the lack of male nudity, because that seems like complete bullshit that it’s not there. Is Doran a prude? Do they not know their target audience? There’s no excuse for it.

    • Ha, yes, being drunk would help this movie out, and since I don’t drink, I feel like it is torture.

      There is literally like maybe 10 seconds of man-ass.. and there is like 20 minutes of female nudity.. which is so wrong on so many levels. Like, why? Is this a movie for men? No. Then why is it necessary for me to watch a women’s perspective if there’s a perfectly fine man riding said woman.. God, I’m angry again, please make it stop.

  • I was so looking forward to your review, and it did not disappoint. I think you had me at “man-ass”. I still love Dakota and Jamie, but everything Ana “wants” is just distracted by Christian and his needs. If she wants space, they’ll have sex. If she wants independence, he buys the company she works for, they get married and move in. Everything that she said she wanted in a worthwhile relationship pretty much came down to her drawing lipstick on his pecks so she knew where to touch him. At least the sex in the first movie had a tolerable mood. James Foley made every scene so awkward, I was laughing too. And, yes – I don’t know what Jamie has against showing any nudity whatsoever when he’s played a sexual serial killer in The Fall. Showing off your chest or butt is nothing compared to getting a wrap for only being able to play emotionally stilted control freaks. And Kim Basinger was in there for two seconds, which really pissed me off. I was a drinking booze when I saw this, so that helped. I loved the clothes and production design, and still like the actors at least. 😀

    • Thank you so much! And I understand that one could not fault the actors for these types of movies because everything from its core is wrong from the start but I just.. there’s no passion behind them and it feels so utterly fake and forced that I can’t really.. It’s just “let’s do what Christian wants” and it goes on for 2 hours.

  • If I had seen it in the theater. I’d probably would laugh too. Sure, I’d get the stink-eye but I’d respond with the finger. I read the ending and I was like…. “are you fucking kidding me?” Then I realized… “oh wait, of course they would do this”.

    • Well too bad you weren’t seeing it with me then because it would have made it a lot easier to laugh. Though my flatmate did laugh, but that just.. I had that lady on my left and she was not having it at all. Shame really. I would have laughed until she had said something so I could have heard firsthand how I was killing her buzz.

  • “I mean, seriously, the only decision Anastasia was allowed to make was ordering that damn salad in the beginning of the movie and after that it was bend, spread and obey!” I need this on a T-shirt immediately. Or something less subtle, like a face tattoo.

    Okay, this review is almost perfect. The fire, the hatred, ‘man meat’, and my favorite, those lovable doe-eyed twins ‘Pain and Pleasure’. It’s all so good, I don’t know why I didn’t read this sooner.

    Look, you know I hate this movie too. And I will always hate these movies. But…I think I’m in too deep at this point. Hopefully, by the end, they will embrace the idea that these films are comedic gems and stop trying to have Christian and Anastasia attempt to be people of Earth. And while they’re at it, to even the score, how about ten minutes of glorious dong footage, too? This film has a giant dick in it already. What’s one more?

    • I would be happy to provide said sentence for a T-shirt design if anyone is interested! But a face tattoo would be good too!

      Thank you for your kind words, I’m so flattered!

      And you know what.. I know I’ll watch the third/fourth one too, just so I could write another almost perfect review!

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