Coffee Talk #5

Things are changing, and not just seasons which is obvious for everyone but also, I have managed to turn my life upside down. You would think in mid-twenties a person has it all figured out, or is at least half way to that point but I’m not even close. So, with all my courage, and I don’t have a lot, I turned everything around and now I don’t know what to do.

I should probably explain that intro a bit more and I will, but first I want to share my thought process prior to this big decision I made couple of weeks ago. So, some of you have most likely read my angst about certain things, for instance my lack of direction in terms of my education. I spent 6 years obtaining higher education, I have two sheets of paper to prove it, but I can’t seem to put my education into motion. Though, I do feel like both subjects gave me something important: they brought me many life lessons and opportunities to see the world. I am thankful for my education but deep deep inside, I know I will never call myself a semiotician or a wellness expert.

Indeed, these were the educational subjects I chose myself, I should want to be those things but honestly, I just studied for the studying. What I actually wanted was something I wasn’t able to get 6 years ago, and that was a free education in a film school. Ironically, right after I was done with university, higher education in Estonia became free for everybody – except for those who already had gotten a free education… including me. My option was to go to work, so I did. I worked hard and tried to smile at every customer, which in service business is not as easy as it might seem, until it got tiring. Then, I changed jobs because I figured going to the field of my studies would be more interesting and rewarding.

Then, there I was working in a spa, doing something related to my education, sort of, and I felt miserable. Even after my long awaited holiday-week, I felt so down at work because it wasn’t rewarding at all. I was doing the same service job that I had been doing for a year, and I imagined doing it for another year, or two, before maybe getting a raise or something – and I hated the idea. Then was the breaking point: somebody raised their voice at me for making a mistake which I was bound to make since I was new there. I walked home that night, glued to the phone, hysterically telling my mom I had enough and I haven’t lost that state of mind ever since.

Weeks have passed and all my thoughts have lingered around the epic life questions that some might never answer – who will I be? what will I do? where will I go?. Constantly discussing this with my mom, who kept telling me the feeling will pass and then finally, having the weekend off to visit my grandparents, brought me calm. My grandmother is a smart lady, she is also very patient and accepting.. and she told me to do it. That was sort of the last push I needed, her assuring that she saw me as somebody that I saw myself as, and so two weeks ago, with no solid plans for the future, I quit my job.

Sitting here now, with no monthly income is liberating and yet, extremely scary. I want to pursue things I’ve dreamed of doing, and now, having all the time I need, puts a lot of pressure on me, my parents as well as my awesome roommate who I’m a sharing a new cool apartment. Now is the time to go at it.. I don’t really know exactly what it is and who knows if it will work but I now have a lot of free time to figure it out.

The purpose of this Coffee Talk was to get my thoughts down on paper, to sort of get it all out in order to power through. I’m not looking for support, but I’d like to offer some to those who feel like they are trapped at their work and wake up everyday wishing they were doing something else: nobody but you can make your own dreams happen! Who knows, you might fail, I will most likely fail as well but that’s what makes us who we are supposed to be.